Brian Regan is a renowned American stand-up comedian known for his hilarious and relatable observations on everyday life. With his clean and family-friendly humor, he has amassed a large and loyal fan base. Regan’s ability to find humor in the mundane has made him a favorite among comedy enthusiasts. Here are some of his most memorable quotes that will have you laughing out loud.
“I’m the youngest of eight kids, so I grew up with a lot of hand-me-downs. Which is okay, except when they’re from people bigger than you.”
“You know you’re getting old when you bend down to tie your shoe and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.”
“I come from a long line of firefighters. My father was a firefighter, my grandfather was a firefighter, and my great-grandfather was an arsonist.”
Read these Brian Regan quotes
“You ever go to pick up your dry cleaning, but you can’t remember the name of the place? So you’re like, ‘Is this it? Cleaners? No, that’s not it. Laundry? No, that’s not it. Oh, I remember now, Suds Your Duds! No, that’s not it either. Suds ‘n’ Duds? No, that’s not it. Fluff ‘n’ Fold? No, that’s not it either. Oh, I know, it’s ‘Shirt Happens!’ No, that’s not it either. Oh, I remember now, it’s ‘Suds Your Duds!'”
“I don’t know what it is about hotel showers, but I could be in there for two days. I’m in there so long, I have to bring a bar of soap and a towel with me to sit on while I take a break.”
“You ever try to pour a liquid into a tiny hole and miss? It’s like, ‘Hey, I’m aiming for the hole, how did I end up on the counter?'”
“I don’t need a receipt for a donut. I’ll just give you the money, and you give me the donut. End of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I can’t imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a donut. To some skeptical friend, ‘Don’t even act like I didn’t get that donut. I’ve got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it’s at home… in the file… under ‘D’, for ‘donut.'”
“I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed psychiatrist is our friend.”
“I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.”
“I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible. I just kept winding it back up.”
“I hate when I’m in the middle of a conversation, and I realize I’m not even listening. I’m just waiting for my turn to talk.”
“I’m not a big fan of the snooze button. I think that when we set our alarm, we should have to live with the decision.”
“I went to the store and bought a candle. The cashier asked if I wanted a bag. I said, ‘No, she’s not that attractive, but I’ll take the candle anyway.'”
“I saw a sign that said ‘Watch for children’ and I thought, ‘That sounds like a fair trade.'”
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
“I saw a movie that said, ‘Based on a true story.’ I thought, ‘Well, that’s novel.’ Usually, they just make stuff up.”
“I love the convenience of this microwave society we live in. You can heat up leftovers in seconds, send a text message instantly, and lose interest in a conversation in no time.”
“I don’t understand why people run marathons. I mean, if I’m gonna run that far, I better be chasing something or someone!”
“I always feel awkward when I’m singing ‘Happy Birthday’ to someone. I never know how long to hold the ‘happy’ or how loud to sing it.”
“I tried to learn from my mistakes, but I kept forgetting what I did wrong.”
“I don’t know why they call it a ‘selfie.’ If I’m taking a picture of myself, shouldn’t it be called a ‘youie’?”
“I called the wrong number once, and the person on the other end said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’ and they said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello?’
“I don’t know why they say ‘you’re welcome’ when they hand you a receipt. ‘Here you go.’ ‘You’re welcome.’ ‘Thank you.’ ‘You’re welcome.’ It’s like, ‘You’re welcome for giving you the opportunity to thank me for giving you the opportunity to thank me!'”
“You ever notice how people who believe in reincarnation never come back as a squirrel? It’s always like, ‘I was Cleopatra in a past life.’ No, you weren’t. You were a squirrel!”
“I don’t know why they call them ‘building projects.’ They’re never ‘done.’ They should be called ‘building never-endingly projects.'”
“I don’t understand why they say ‘sleep like a baby.’ I mean, babies wake up every two hours screaming. I don’t want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.”
“I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say, ‘Hey, look, that one is shaped like an idiot!'”
“I saw an ad for a 24-hour restaurant. I thought, ‘Who goes there at 4 a.m. and thinks, ‘You know what I want? Scrambled eggs.””
“You ever get so thirsty that you’re like, ‘I could drink the entire ocean’? And then you get a glass of water, and you’re like, ‘Oh, that’s good too.'”
“I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. Especially if your teammates are bad guessers.”
“I went to the doctor and said, ‘I keep seeing spots.’ He said, ‘Have you ever seen a doctor?'”
“I’m not a big fan of the ‘self-checkout’ at the grocery store. I’m more of a ‘self-leave-the-grocery-store’ kind of guy.”
These are just a few examples of Brian Regan’s witty humor that has made him a favorite among comedy lovers. Whether you’re in need of a good laugh or just appreciate clever and clean comedy, Brian Regan’s quotes are sure to bring a smile to your face.
